Beatles karaoke. Puppet cabarets. Rams trolling the Bears.

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Another seven-day stretch in the chaos simulator. You did it. Barely. Here’s the city’s weekly highlight reel of dysfunction and frostbite.

Ah yes, Hyde Park, where Honda Civics go to die slow, dismembered deaths. Car owners are waking up to find their steering wheels vanished like integrity at a city council meeting. The airbag’s gone, the dash is gutted, and thieves are doing throwback crimes from the 1990s, because history is a flat circle and also broke. Repair cost? Four grand. Police suggest using a steering wheel club, because we are now fully back in 1997. Try not to scream. Why not read it

Season’s over, and now the real sport begins: watching billionaires argue over stadium blueprints like toddlers in a sandbox. Arlington Heights? Chicago? A cornfield in Schaumburg? Doesn’t matter. No shovel has touched dirt, and the lease at Soldier Field runs through 2033. Please clap. Don’t read it, but here

Artūras Karnisovas says the next three weeks will determine the narrative. What that means is unclear, but it probably involves disappointment in one of its many sporty forms. Trade deadline is Feb 5. The Bulls are neither good nor bad, just haunting the .500 line like a ghost of mediocrity. Which… tracks. The narrative, allegedly

After a playoff win, the Rams’ Twitter intern had a little moment.

We’re mostly numb though. If you need to suffer

Charles Walker, 20, and two underage co-pilots took a stolen Kia Rio on a late-night suburban grand tour. They hit 107 mph, ran from six police departments, and ended the party in a ditch. The Kia did not survive. Walker’s next court date is Feb 9. Everyone else’s sanity remains pending. Actual news, kind of

The county is using federal relief funds to offer free training that helps people spot signs of mental health or substance use struggles, respond safely, and connect others to care. It’s like CPR, but for moments you don’t know how to handle. Eight hours. Free. Could help someone you love. More info

Winterfest happened. Owls, sled dogs, ponies. Ice skating was canceled due to insufficient ice, which is a metaphor if you squint. They still handed out free s’mores, and nobody got trampled by a Samoyed. So, a win. Behold the suburban circus

This is not a drill. The DeKalb Public Library wants you to show up and sing Beatles songs at 3:30 p.m. on Friday. That’s it. No prizes. No costumes. Just unironically belting “Hey Jude” with strangers in a municipal meeting room. Kind of beautiful. Kind of scary. You know you’re curious

We hit -25° wind chills this morning, which is the kind of thing your ancestors called “character-building” while freezing to death. Highs are single digits. Lows are even more insulting. Roads are icy, and the salt is basically just table seasoning at this point. Wednesday will fake a thaw at 30°, then we’re back to Arctic horror by the weekend. Winter hates you personally. Wrap yourself in despair

Go dump some water in your sump pit. If your pump doesn’t turn on, congratulations—you’ve just been warned. Ignore this and you’ll be Googling “mold removal companies” in April. Future You says thanks, but with attitude.

Eat: The Graceful Ordinary in St. Charles. A restaurant that sounds like Jane Austen named it herself. It centers on wood-fired cooking and Midwestern culinary ambition. Every plate is “surprising yet familiar,” which is code for “yes, it’s fancy, but you’ll still recognize the ingredients.” More info

Do: The Chicago International Puppet Theater Festival runs Jan 21–Feb 1. Over 100 events across the city. Puppet cabarets. Puppet dramas. Puppet existential crises. It’s weird, ambitious, and probably better than half the stuff on Netflix. Go be moved by felt and string.

Avoid: The Chicago Boat Show. Unless you’re shopping for a boat you will park in storage until June, this is a slow emotional spiral dressed up like a lifestyle expo. Hard pass.

Hot Wheels Monster Trucks Live is in Hoffman Estates Jan 25–26. Trucks flip. Kids scream. Adults question life choices. Bring earplugs. Tickets start at $20. Regret starts around intermission. Brace yourself

French. Onion. Pasta. It’s like if soup got sick of being soup and became a casserole. Caramelized onions, cream, Gruyère, pasta. Feels fancy. Isn’t. People will think you know things. Go with it. Here, cook this

"I Want You to Understand Chicago" by Kyle Kingsbury.
A brutal, deeply personal account of living in Chicago in 2025. It reads like testimony. It reads like warning. Raids, detentions, agents lying under oath, kids tear-gassed at Halloween. But also: resistance. Organizing. Mutual aid. You’re not ready

Bundle up. Wiggle your sump pump. Hide your steering wheel. You're doing amazing, sweetie. But like, barely.

Back Thursday. Because apparently this is my life now.

-The Chicago Signal