🌭 new portillo’s sauces, bulls fans get THC, and a school admin’s retail crime spree

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portillo’s revealed five “enhanced” sauces, including a new one called “comeback sauce”—named after the bears’ comeback season and clearly designed for fans who process trauma via condiments. it’s mayo-based, spicy, and the most chicago thing since someone deep-dish argued with a parking cone. here’s the sauce crime scene.

the doomsday clock moved closer to midnight. scientists at the university of chicago, who apparently measure global catastrophe the way suburban dads measure brisket temps, moved the doomsday clock four seconds closer to total oblivion. it’s now 85 seconds to midnight, citing climate chaos and nuclear nightmares. but yeah, let’s talk about dipping sauce again. we’re all doomed, but politely.

you can get high at bulls games now. the united center will be slinging thc drinks starting in february, making it the first major arena where you can get legally high and emotionally low at the same time. each drink has 5 mg of thc, just enough. bring your id and existential dread.

chicago released the 2026 summer festival schedule, which means someone remembered to plan joy. taste of chicago hits july 8–12, blues fest is june 4–7, and there are roughly 39,000 other chances to eat food off a paper plate in 90-degree heat. bookmark it and immediately forget.

dibs is illegal and no one cares. technically, chicago’s cherished trash-chair tradition is illegal. as in: actual city code illegal. streets and san commissioner cole stallard said 2,000 people have complained, but nobody’s enforcing it. justice is theoretical.

an abandoned house is flashing sos and everyone is handling it well. a plainfield house started blinking morse code sos through boarded-up windows, sparking viral tiktoks and confused neighbors. officers responded to the scene but reported the residence was secure and they "observed nothing suspicious." what?

joliet west administrator shoplifted at target four times, got paid leave. joliet west freshman academy coordinator maureen pulaski pleaded guilty to stealing from target four times, got three months of paid leave, and returned to her $130k-a-year job like nothing happened. truly inspiring professional development.

naperville published a list of bars for the big game, as if you don’t already know. patch helpfully rounded up what bars to watch the final two teams battle it out on february 8, which is adorable, since everyone in naperville already knows their bars. you knew this without clicking.

round lake beach is getting a target where the dead k-mart was. after a decade plus of just sitting there radiating abandonment, the old k-mart is finally being replaced by a 190,000 square foot target. the mayor called the empty lot an eyesore, which is midwestern for “actively haunted.” the bullseye rises.

today: mostly sunny but deceitful. highs in the mid-teens, lows around 4–6°. wind chills could hit negative double digits, especially in the morning. it’s not just cold—it’s don’t-make-eye-contact-with-the-wind cold.

friday: clouds increase, temps hit 17–18°, and lake-effect snow rolls in like it has a grudge. some areas could get 6+ inches. low around 11°. roads may resemble powdered sugar nightmares.

saturday: still snowing (mostly in the morning) just to prove a point. highs in the low-to-mid 20s, lows around 11°. visibility will remain optional.

sunday: slightly milder with highs around 26–28°, lows in the upper teens. a little light snow might try to sneak in late, because winter hates closure.

key concerns:

buy salt tonight. friday’s lake-effect snow might dump 6+ inches, and the person elbowing you for the last bag at menards will absolutely be your neighbor—the one who borrowed your extension cord in 2022 and made eye contact with you last week like nothing happened.

eat: dimmi dimmi (lakeview) is slinging clever twists on Italian-American staples, like the "Italian Beef" Carpaccio and a sleeper-hit Vodka Pizza. It's elegant, over-the-top, and probably eaten by someone using their coat to block a parking spot. your wallet will survive. barely.

do: see On Your Feet at Drury Lane through March 22 if you want to spend money watching other people have energy. go clap ironically.

avoid: calling 911 because your neighborhood light show is in morse code. if it says “sos,” maybe ask it what’s wrong like an adult.

valentine’s day means you’ll be glue-sticking construction paper hearts at various “events” while pretending this is fun. highlights include the shedd’s “smitten with the sea” and craft nights where you’ll curse glitter. go love something.

make these chipotle pot roast tacos from half baked harvest. they’re smoky, spicy, slow-cooked and perfect for when you lie to yourself about cooking more. your portillo’s receipt says otherwise.

how Chicago went from a midwestern outpost to a towering city, if you want to remember when things were going well. read it and weep nostalgically.

that’s the week. stay warm. or don’t. we’re all just dipping fries into the void.

-sam