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hi. it’s tuesday again. the sidewalks are ice traps, your car is a salt-crusted husk, and we both know you’re about to microwave something sad for breakfast. let’s get through this civic fever dream together.
the week’s spiral
door knockers of academic doom
over in back of the yards, cesar chávez multicultural academic center formed a literal attendance squad that does home visits. Like truancy Pokémon. Their chronic absenteeism fell from 39% to 9%. This is what happens when parents hear knocking at 7:30 a.m. and it’s not Amazon Prime, it’s the school asking where your child is.
six catholic schools get the axe
the archdiocese closed six schools. reasons: low enrollment and money, which are just fun ways to say “we’re tired.” st. hubert’s parents scraped together $280k and asked for transparency. they got a “thank you” and some vibes. the church works in mysterious spreadsheets.
pizza war escalates
we foolishly declared tavern-cut pizza superior on reddit. chaos ensued. people fought about crust physics and proper beef sogginess. zero lives changed. democracy is confusing.
lou canellis: new channel, same tie
longtime sportscaster lou canellis ditched fox 32 for nbc 5, where he plans to “revive their sports identity,” which was previously hiding in a closet behind weather graphics. the station made room by… firing someone else. nbc: now with 100% more lou.
meanwhile, in the suburbs…
capone’s wall gun
construction workers at thornton distilling co. found a loaded antique Colt pistol in the wall. it’s not tied to any crimes, so police handed it back. naturally, the distillery claims it might be al capone’s. because when you find a gun in a wall, the only logical conclusion is mafia décor.
geneva garden club: flower cash
live in Geneva? planning to major in horticulture or “whatever sounds like you compost for fun”? the geneva garden club has money for you. last year they gave scholarships to alaine molander and audrey matthews. this could be you. if you know what a phlox is.
chocolate-palooza at the morton arboretum
chocolate weekend is back, jan. 31 – feb. 1. there will be rare bean tastings, chocolate soap (what), cherry-chocolate mead, and cacao lectures. because nothing screams romance like learning about supply chains in the Andes before taste-testing chocolate cheese.
weather, unfortunately
wind chills are in the -20s. nine inches of snow fell. traffic is a demolition derby. cps stayed open out of sheer spite. meteorologist pete sack says no real warm-up until feb. 2, but he’s said that before, and we don’t believe in pete anymore.
one small thing that saves you later
take photos of every appliance, furnace, water heater, and weird mystery box in your home now—model numbers, serial numbers, and all. future you, standing ankle-deep in basement water and yelling “WHAT EVEN IS THIS?” into a customer service hotline, will be grateful. it’s like time-travel, but instead of preventing tragedy, you’re just slightly less panicked in a hoodie.
here’s something to…
eat: mazor opens soon at 485 N. milwaukee. chef cristian orozco is using legit blue corn masa from pilsen. tacos, empanadas, shrimp cocktail—your winter sadness just got guatemalan’d.
do: dig your garden tools out of snowbank purgatory. clean them, sharpen them, oil them.
avoid: city council banned most delta-8 and hemp gummies. creams and drinks are still ok. chewing = $10k fine. sipping = fine. science is canceled.
for the parents (bless you)
morton arboretum lego train event sold out fast. but juniper junction has trains on display feb. 14–22. there’s churros. just tell your kid you “meant” to go this weekend. they’ll believe you. they have to.
impress your friends with this
make tiny french onion meatloaves. they’re like your neighborhood: messy, smothered in cheese, probably melting.
deep read
chicago owes $40 billion and spends nearly half its annual budget on debt. we’ve been refinancing our problems so hard, even goldman sachs said “pass.” consider this your invitation to read a book about municipal bonds before the next fiscal iceberg.
back thursday. unless we’re all buried in snow and municipal regret.
-sam